Strive

the truth will set you free...part 3

2010-04-09T11:52:00.000-04:00

In 6th grade our family changed churches for the fifth time in six years. We started going to Puckety U.P. Church. I liked it there and I would do anything to stay there. It seemed we moved around a lot, so I never really attached myself to a place, until now. Thru Jr. High, youth group was my escape. I loved getting out of the house to play some silly games or even talk about God; Sundays were the only thing I looked forward to. Half way through 7th grade, I met what would be my two dearest friends ever. Zach made me laugh and I was in deep need of some happiness. I was good at playing off that everything was fine to the outside world by being silly or loud. Then I met Ashley, we just clicked and she accepted me for who I was, with no questions asked. I started spending as much time with her and her family as possible; that is if I got my chores done in time. (sound familiar?) Her mother caught on quickly that something was wrong; and I remember the day she pulled me aside and asked me flat out what was wrong. For some reason I couldn’t lie this time, so I just cried. She took me in as her own and I was so thankful for that family. 8th grade was the best year of my life, even though I knew matt would graduate in the spring and life would change. And so it did.
I cried a lot after matt left for college, even though we weren’t really close, I felt he was my protector. Mike was busy with all his ‘cool’ friends and hardly gave me the time of day, which I can understand since I’m his younger sister. Entering 9th grade seemed so hopeful, since I only had to make it four more years at home. I had an after school job of teaching swim lessons to little kids so my day was packed. I think that’s when I started the whole ‘stay busy, life will go faster and don’t think about pain’ kick. My day started early with school, stayed after school to manage the swim team then stayed to teach swim lessons. I didn’t get home until after ten most nights, but I didn’t care as long as I wasn’t near Lynn, life would be ok. Not sure why I really felt that way towards Lynn, I think I started to resent her for pretending to be ‘sick’ and quitting jobs. I resented having to pick up the slack and never having her support. Mike was the star, he could do no wrong and Matt was usually forgotten about. He just faded in somewhere among all the craziness. That was life and I learned to deal with it anyway I could. I started back in Jr. High smoking every now and then; but I really picked it up after I was cut from the swim team and asked to be a manager. Smoking relaxed me for awhile, then I started to need something stronger, enter my new love-alcohol. When I drank, my worries melted away, I could laugh and not stress about cleaning something even at my friends houses. I never had a lot or did it often; it was only when things got really bad with Lynn that I would resort to drinking.
I began turning into two different people; the fake me at school, church and home vs. the real me with my friends. As long as no one at church caught on to my real life, I would be fine. That wasn’t the case, my youth leader matt was on to me and I had no idea how to push him away. I wanted to tell him so many times, everything I felt and how hurt I was but I couldn’t risk him saying anything to Lynn and her pulling me out of that church. So I keep silent, keep being the outgoing, loud mouth that everyone knew and loved.
As much as I thought I had life figured out, I was still young and naive. I didn’t think much about the rude comments boys would make, I just shrugged it off because I didn’t have time for a relationship. I wish I had realized what high school boys were really like, but I was so concerned with home life I never gave it much thought. He was on the swim team and road the same activity bus as me; in fact we had the same stop. We lived out in the country, but it was still a pretty busy area. He would usually follow me off the bus to chat a bit before we went our different ways. The more time went on, the more vocal he became about wanted to have sex or other sexually acts. I wish I saw the signs then, but I was too young and figured that NO meant NO and he would move on to someone else. But that didn’t happen. I felt scared riding that bus home and I didn’t have swim lessons to teach then, so I bugged mike for rides home but he just told me to ride the bus. I wish I would have told him why I wanted a ride.
It was January 28th, snow on the ground and really cold. He followed me off the bus but I kept walking, I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. He ran up to me and grabbed my arm; I froze as he motioned his head towards the woods and said ‘let’s go now’. I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t move my feet to run I just stood there, hoping a car would come by. He guided me to the unseen area, pushed me down on my knees and said ‘I’ll be nice and not take your virginity, but you need to start sucking’. After it was over, he walked away and I just stayed there in shock praying for God to forgive me. I got up and ran home, thankfully no one was there; I jumped in the shower and washed myself over and over until the hot water turned cold. I brushed my teeth at least a dozen times. I crawled in bed and laid awake all night crying. What just happened?
I was at youth group that next Sunday when I hit one of my guy friends because he touched my arm during a rowdy game. I went outside and starting crying. Another girl came out and I told her partly what happened. She said ‘it’s ok just ask to be forgiven’, I knew then I had to keep it in and never talk about it again. That lasted a whole week. The following Sunday my youth leader finally sat me down after church to ask about my sudden mood change; I couldn’t lie to him this time. I cried as I told him what happened. I begged him not to tell Lynn cause I knew exactly what would happen, but he had no choice he needed to tell her. The last few months of 9th grade were a nightmare; Lynn made the biggest deal over the situation, not because her daughter was hurt but because she craved the attention herself. I don’t remember much of that summer, I spent a lot of time calling kids from the swim team to see if they would testify against ‘person X’; I usually got cussed out or hung up on but I also got some girls that confided in me that he had done the same kind of thing to them. So I fought back, not for me but for them. I found a courageous young man that over heard the comments ‘X’ had made to me and was willing to testify against him. The hearing was later that summer and with enough evidence the case was moved to trail sometime that next year. I wasn’t looking forward to 10th grade; the end of ninth was so horrible I couldn’t face my peers again. But I pushed on, not sure how but I had to.
At some point during the fall, my brother mike said he hated me because he lost friends from all of this mess. Lynn told me that I must have wanted to be raped; then changed her mind and said she didn’t believe it even happened. She called for a plea bargain, I didn’t have any support to do otherwise and I wanted it all to be over. A year after the event happen, I was in court surrendering and letting this man get away with it all. Two weeks after court, when everything was all over and I had only 4 more months of avoiding him in the halls, Lynn pulled me out of public school. That was it, I HATED HER. I didn’t get any credits from that year because I was 3 weeks away from that semester ending and having those grades count. I was placed in a very small private school without my say. I went from a class of almost 400 peers to a class of only 12. Why did she wait to take me out? Why didn’t she take me out last year when she found out; that I would understand. I would understand her not letting me start 10th grade, but I still don’t understand why she took me out after it was all done. That is Lynn’s irrationality. I figured if I had to be in this school, I’d make the most of it. Lynn already thought I was ‘an out of control bitch of a daughter she never wanted’, so why not live up to those standards. Since good grades, holding a job and running the house weren’t good enough, I thought why not make her life a living hell and show her a real bitch of a daughter. I started drinking as much as possible, even before and during school, I smoked everyday and broke every role as often as I possibly could. But that wasn’t enough.
I hated life; I hated Lynn and everything she said to me, every mind game she played with me, every night she stood outside my door yelling while I cried myself to sleep. I couldn’t stand that a God would allow such things to happen, so I rejected Him. I would still play fake at church, since it was still an escape from Lynn’s hell but that was getting more difficult to do. One of my classmates caught on pretty quick that something was up with me. Considering 90% of the kids in that school were ‘bubble Christians’ , 5 % were there cause they got kicked out of public schools and the remain 5% were the leftovers, they didn’t fit in the other two groups. I didn’t care what I said, who I said it to or what happened to me. Mike saw through all of that, we would talk all most every night on IM. He knew my story before I even told him. I wanted to push him away so badly, but I knew I needed a friend too. Another classmate made a comment that stuck to me; “if you can handle any physical pain you can handle anything’. I started cutting my arms that day. I knew I could never kill myself, but I figured I’d create physical pain so that I would ‘forget’ the emotional pain.
I became a lifeguard sometime that spring and had a summer job lined up, so I needed to stop cutting. I managed to push down any feelings I had by cleaning more often. I worked as much as I could in the summer and even signed up for a week away on a mission trip. I would find out that my youth leader was leaving that summer, my world was falling apart. Even though I didn’t tell him everything, I know he knew what was going on and he seemed to really care, which was huge for me. By fall I had lost my only support, and mike was leaving for college. I was happy for him to go, since he told me he ‘wanted me to die’ all summer long, but I was scared to be alone with Lynn.
I was proud to establish the bad party girl status, along with my new friends, Erin and Shannon. I just wanted that year to be done; I wanted to turn 18 so I could finally leave her. I found support through my Bible teach, Mrs. Pollock. She would come get me on weekends for ice cream and call me during the week. She knew how Lynn was. But Lynn started with some new games. My friends from public school would call and she’d threaten them if they ever called again. She tried to push away Mrs. Pollock or anyone that tried to reach out to me; including my old youth leader and the new one that came along. I was trapped by her. I buried myself in a sick cleaning routine. Thursdays were always the kitchen floors; I would sweep, wash them by hand with regular cleaner, then with bleach then with cleaner again because Lynn hated the smell of bleach. Each day I created something specific to clean and I had to do it perfectly. I was forbidden to talk or hangout with Ashley but we found our ways to get together. If I dare ask to go out with friends, there was always some sick reason I couldn’t or some demand I needed to meet. I was forced to leave my job cause Lynn got sick again and couldn’t take me to work. We would go the ER at least once a week, just for the doctors to say, ‘there’s nothing wrong with you’ or to nicely say ‘maybe you should see a therapist about your anixity’.
So I stopped asking to go out, I found an escape in running. I hated to run but I always felt better afterwards cause it was my time alone to vent and let it all out. By spring of that year things were so bad, I was willing to do anything to get out. Lynn had pulled one of her stunts with me and I had enough. I pushed her into her room and held the door closed so she couldn’t get out. She climbed out the window, walked to the neighbor’s house and called the police on me, again. I left; I figured they could deal with her, so I went for a run. Ten minutes later a police car pulls up beside me and the officer said, ‘your mom is claiming you tired to kill her and are running away-again’. He drove me back to the house and said this really needs to stop; I said you’re right, take me in I did want to kill her. He looked so confused as he made the call for an ambulance to take me to a hospital for a psych evaluation. As I sat in the back of the ambulance, he got in and said ‘I get it, I hope this works’. Lynn was screaming that they couldn’t do this, she didn’t think I’d really go thru with it. Her little game didn’t turn out as she planned.
I was drug tested, examined and asked a million questions. I told the nurse everything; I told about the things Lynn did and I told her I all the things I did. She asked me if I wanted to live at home any more, I told her NO, so she made arrangements to get me in a halfway house. Lynn wasn’t allowed in my room and I could hear her screaming across the hall. They nurse looked at me and said ’if anyone needs to be put away, its her.’ They put a security guard outside my door and when mike snuck in to yell at me, I asked the guard to remove him. I was there all night, waiting to hear if I had enough proof of abuse to let me leave Lynn. The nurse came in crying and I knew it wasn’t good; she said ‘mental abuse is hard to prove and they won’t take you. I have to by law release you to your mother. But promise me the second you turn 18 you’ll leave and NEVER look back.’ She gave me a stack of papers with phone numbers in case it turned physical, wrapped me in a white hospital blanket and told Lynn to not talk to me until tomorrow. I laid in the back seat as Lynn yelled the whole way home, I wasn’t listening to her I was counting down the minutes till I turned 18.
I started to cut again and one of my classmates told Lynn. All hell broke loose that day, I just learned to not talk or even look at her. I just stayed in my room or in the basement watching the laundry wash, rinse and spin out. I just needed to make it thru the summer. I signed up for camp that summer; Pine Springs was the only place I felt safe. I started going the summer before 8th grade and went every summer since. I never let on that anything was wrong; I just enjoyed not having to clean or feel scared when I fell asleep. This summer was a 2 weeklong camp, called Mountains to Missions. The first week was spent canoeing thru the PA Grand Canyon’s, the second week I shadowed a lifeguard that would touch my heart so deeply. I was told later that Lynn called the camp to get them to remove me from going on the trip cause I was ‘a danger to others and out of control’. The camp saw thru her and gave some excuse as to why I still needed to come! Thank you Noelle! I was bitter and wasn’t looking forward to ‘God things’ but 2 weeks away was a dream come true. During the first week, we were placed alone in the woods for 5 or 6 hours. At first I just sat there, I didn’t want to pray and thinking let feeling come out; I couldn’t break, I still had to be strong until I was 18. I think an hour went by until I started yelling at God. I was brutal, I wasn’t about to be all nice and praising when I felt so betrayed by Him. I vented a long time before I just starting crying. I stopped yelling and just fell down crying for the remaining hours. I choose to give my life back to God that day, I choose to let Him help me thru my senior year and over come all the pain I was feeling. I was new person; I wasn’t going to let Lynn hold me down anymore.
After camp I threaten Lynn to take me out of private school and but me back in public. I told her if she didn’t I would drop out when I turned 18 and didn’t care if I finished. I took charge and stood my ground. She agreed and I went back to public, I rebuilt the friendships that were once threaten by Lynn and wasn’t about to take any crap. When I turned 18 I got some money so I bought myself a car and chose to stay at Lynn’s until graduation. Senior year went by without much trouble. As spring approached, the decision on where to live next was my only concern. I had a cousin that offered for me to come live with her and her family on the other side of the state. I was excited to leave Lynn and let things cool down; I hoped that maybe we could work things out after we took some time apart. Ashley and her family begged me to move in with them the day I turned 18, but since she was now at a different school it was too much to change addresses and schools if I lived with her. So I told her I’d move in for the summer until I left in the fall for my cousin’s but they wanted me to stay with them permanently. I wasn’t sure what I was really going to do come fall; all I knew was I was about to graduate and work at Pine Springs with Matt for half a summer.
Lynn was nice to me my senior year, mostly because I had money and she wanted it. So played along; if I wanted to go somewhere I just went no questions asked and id pay a bill. We used each other but it worked. Somehow Lynn found out about me leaving in the fall and she was back to your usually mean self. I had one week to go so I took the abuse. The day before graduation I was loading my car for the weekend; a bunch of us girls were going to have ‘one last sleepover’. Not sure what provoked Lynn this time but she was in my face yelling that I couldn’t leave. I tried to explain to her the plan but she just kept yelling. I had enough so I got in my car and she stood holding my door open. I told her to move and leave me alone, she refused. So I put the car in reverse and took my foot off the break causing the door to bump her. She reached inside and hit me across the face, then ran inside saying she was calling the police. I yelled, ‘I’m never coming back’ and I meant it. I drove as fast as I could to Ashley’s house and when they saw the red mark on my face they wanted to kill Lynn. I called the police to let them know the situation, cause I knew Lynn would say I stole the car. (Even though I paid for it and the insurance, I let her trick me into putting it in her name so the insurance would be cheaper.) The police said ‘keep the car and don’t go back, if it goes to court you will win cause you paid for it and she manipulated you.’ Ashley and her mother came to my graduation; Lynn and Mike never made it in since I had the tickets.
I wanted things to be better, I didn’t want to fight but I was addicted to her abuse. I would call just to hear her yell at me. She would start out with ‘please come home we love you and miss you’; by the end of the call it was ‘you’re such a bitch, I hate you’. The best call was the following:
Lynn- come home we miss and love you, please come at least talk about all this.
Me- ok fine, I’ll be there at one
Lynn – Oh we won’t be home till 3 so you’ll have to come then
Me- why can’t I just come at one and wait for you to get home
Lynn – cause you can’t get it. We changed the locks cause we don’t trust you
Me- you don’t trust me? Yet you want me to move back home? How do you say ‘I love you come home’, but change the locks? How does that work?
Lynn- well I’ll have to give you a key. We just can’t have you coming and going as you please and taking stuff.
Me- what am I going to take that pisses you off, my underwear or the gold we don’t have.
Lynn-Well I bought you some of those clothes
Me- you want my shit stained underwear too, you can have them instead of me then. *click*
I wouldn’t talk to her for a long time after that. I had to trade my new car in for a used piece of junk so I could pay my phone bill and car insurance. I lived with Ashley and her family until I went to camp later in the summer. Matt was there but he didn’t give me the time of day. I felt so hurt. He was the only one I really cared about from the family and he too turned on me. While at camp my aunt and uncle asked me to live with them and I accepted. I found a job at the YMCA I really enjoyed and focused on working as many hours as possible (yep back to staying busy). I asked Lynn to pick a councilor for us to go to and would pay for it, the gas it cost her to go and lunch for the day. She found someone and we went once, she complained about them cause they wanted to see her 3 times a week on top of our meeting. I was willing to pay for that but she used the ‘I’m too sick’ excuse and stopped going. So I stopped talking to her.
I wanted to return to camp in 2004 but I needed to make up for the money I wouldn’t be making in the summer; so I worked full time at Wal-Mart and part time at the Y for 3 months until camp start. The summer of 2004 was so healing for me. I decided to end my relationship with Lynn completely, since she wasn’t willing to get help. I also became very close to 3 other girls; we called ourselves the Green Neck Gals. I was happy and at peace. Maybe life wasn’t fair but I didn’t have to go back to that ever again. After camp I stayed in touch with my Gals and worked at the Y. Even though I cried a lot over my family, life seemed to be getting better. I wanted to go to college and make a better life for myself. By the time I finished all my paper work, it was too late to go in the fall, so I had to wait until January. I knew Waynesburg would change my life.

In the beginning.... part 2

2010-04-08T01:33:00.003-04:00

The facts of my family are hard to figure out. I don’t know what really happened, how it happened or why it happened. All I can do is piece together all the different angles of the story and come up with the most reasonable outcome. From what I know, my parents separated when I was about 1 and divorced a few years later. I grew up with my mother and two older brothers; matt and mike. They were all I knew. Every so often a man I was told to call ‘dad’ would show up. He was fun but I felt encouraged to call him names, not really sure why I felt that way.
Once mike went to kindergarten, I was alone. I didn’t have another spy or playmate; it was mostly just me finding different adventures to occupy my time until my brothers got home. I remember taking all the change out of the goose money holder and walking down to the local ice cream stand for my favorite twist with rainbow sprinkles. I remember throwing bean bags on the roof then going on the roof through my brothers’ window to toss them back down. I would ride my hot wheels bike down to the guys working on Mrs. ‘Cranky’s’ backyard. I would walk through the ally looking for treasures. Lynn, the mother figure, was there somewhere; either on the phone, sleeping or watching soap operas. I remember going places with her; the stores and workout groups but it was just a blur. I couldn’t really complain, I mean I could do pretty much whatever I wanted to. Life seemed good.
I was super excited to finally go to kindergarten, that meant my brothers and I were all in the same building, how cool was that. We would all walk to school together and I would do my best to keep up with them and pretend I wasn’t tired. I remember feeling so tired by the time I walked the two small blocks that I couldn’t make it up all the stairs to the school. I would beg matt to carry me up and like a big brother, he told me no. Mike would always make a race out it and for awhile I could try but as days went on it would take more and more effort to just walk. I remember my class going to the library on the 3rd floor, I watched as they reached the top and I just finished the first flight. A friend stayed back to encourage me and by the time I reached the library it was time to go. It was around October or November of 1990 and i was 6 years old. By Christmas of that year, I felt so weak all the time. Lynn would take me to the doctors many times that fall but nothing was ever done. Finally in late January 1991, Lynn made the doctor check my blood; a few days later we got the phone call to report to Children’s Hospital right away.
I hated the IV’s in my hand the most; that was until they took the ‘largest needle in the world’ to my lower back. From that day on, I told myself I would rather have needles all over my hand and arm then to have that ‘big one’ again. I remember being told we had to go to another hospital because Children’s couldn’t help me. A few weeks later my mother and I went to the Cleveland Clinic, where they treated me like a queen. The details of this all blur together but there are specific things I remember. Valentine’s Day I was in surgery to have these weird tubes put in my chest so that they didn’t have to prick my arm for blood anymore, they could just take it out of the special tubes. As happy as I was about not being pricked again, once I woke from the surgery, this giant heart came to my room with a doll; I yelled ‘get out’ because I didn’t feel good. I remember lots of doctors and nurses coming into my room with this special medicine. They told me this one had to be put in though an IV in my hand. I remember the burning feeling go up my arm; that was the first time I cried. I was screaming for them to stop but they said they had to do this for me to ‘not be tired’ anymore. So I laid in bed crying and the next few days I slept a lot. When I woke up I found lots of hair on my pillow and asked the nurse why it was there. She told me that I would be bald now. I thought it was an awesome idea, so I started pulling chunks out while Lynn cried in the bathroom. I tried comforting her by saying now you don’t have to worry about fixing it all the time! I was there close to two months before I was allowed to return home. My brother matt’s blood (which got taken out by ‘the world’s largest needle’) fixed me. He was my hero.
I was so happy to finally be home, no more doctors, no more needles and no more nasty meds. I was told to wear this face mask for awhile but I hated it, so when no one was looking id take it off. I had about 5 different meds to take daily; I eventually mastered throwing the pills in the back yard, under the carpet or china closet. The liquids I would put in my mouth and spit out later or on a busy day just dump down the sink and say I took it. I went from a normal size of 6x to a girls 10/12 in a matter of 2 months. When I ate, I would bite the sides of my mouth because my face was so puffy from meds.
These people would come to our house to take pictures and ask lots of questions. Later the picture would be on the front page of the paper. I was even asked ‘what is your biggest wish’ and a few months later I got to meet Michael W. Smith and his family in Nashville. Every so often I would have to return to the Cleveland Clinic for some kind of IV treatment but since I was doing so well, treatments became less and less often until I didn’t have to go anymore! My kindergarten teacher came to my house in the summer to help me get ready for first grade since I missed most of kindergarten. I was so happy when she said I would be able to start in first grade with my friends! Life seemed good.
2nd, 3rd and 4th grade (age8-10) seems to fly by with little problems. There were some events that happened but I’m not sure this is the time or place to discuss them now. 5th grade (age 11) is what really changed my life.
Not sure how it got to this point, I guess I was still more concerned with being a kid then noticing the house work not being done. That would all change one Saturday morning when mike was yelling about there not being anymore towels to dry off with, clean underwear or bowls to eat cereal in. I remember telling him to go wash some stuff but he responded, ‘you’re the girl, you do it’. I can’t fault him for that; he didn’t have a male figure to teach him otherwise. So I accepted the challenge, I wanted to. I went to the basement and was blown away by the endless mounds of clothing all over the floor. Where do I being, how does this machine work, hot or cold, what does permit press mean and how much soap do I need? I grabbed some towels, put a couple of scoops of laundry soap in and turned it to ‘regular wash’. I stood there the entire 40 minutes, watching it wash, rinse and spin. I felt like I accomplished some huge task and quickly decided to finish washing everything. I called a friends mom to ask her all the above questions; she told me to start by making piles and she stayed on the phone with me as I asked her which pile a certain piece would go in. I was very confident by the end of our talk, I had planned out every load and how it would be washed. I stuck in my next load of white underwear and socks with some bleach, closed the lid and went to the kitchen to start on the over grown pile of dishes. I’m not sure why but I became obsessed with this cleaning thing. I would time myself on how quickly but detailed I could clean the bathroom or vacuum the entire house. I stopped riding bikes with my friends so I could dust the living room and dining room. I entered a world where it was just me; I felt worthy and safe.
I don’t remember why Lynn didn’t do those things, but it didn’t matter I had taken over. By then end of 5th grade, Lynn got ‘sick’, which left me doing more. I would take the paper food stamps, coupons I cut out and go to the local store for our weekly food. I would make many trips in a day; a gallon of milk and a bag of juices was always the first trip. The first time I made tacos; I forgot to add water to the meat and I remember mike complaining about it being too dry. The first time I attempted spaghetti; I boiled sauce everywhere, burnt the garlic bread and cooked the noodles too long. I would ask my friends’ mothers to tell me how to make a certain things or how to clean rust of something; there was no stopping me and no signs anyone would. Lynn would ask me to stay home from school to be with her while she lay on the coach sick. I didn’t mind doing it the first few times cause it gave me more time to clean and organize the house. However, when I was told by my teacher, ‘if I didn’t get caught up on my work I might not make it to 6th grade’, I started to not like staying home with her.
Matt was in 9th grade through all of this; he was busy with football and girlfriends. He stayed in his attic room a lot when he was home. Mike was in 7th grade; busy with cross country and running around with his friends, he wasn’t home a lot. So it was me there a lot of the time; cleaning and taking care of my mother; I didn’t mind doing any of that, I liked to help. Unfortunately, I realized too late the jobs couldn’t be passed off; I was stuck washing their clothes/dishes, cleaning their messes and getting them food. Matt usually took out the garbage and recycling while Mike would trim the ivy and cut the grass. The rest was usually me; I would ask for help but usually got turned down, so I stopped asking and started burying myself deeper into my imaginary world. We all played our roles for 4 years until, Matt left for college. Life did not seem good.

My Exodus...part 1

2010-04-06T05:42:00.003-04:00

I remember being told that my books would cost over $300; I had no idea that it would be that much. Without hesitating, my brother-in-law reached into his wallet and pulled his credit card out to pay for my books. I couldn’t help but cry. All though I was older than the typical freshman, I was still so clueless on how the whole college thing worked. Later I would be advised to order them on line or not buy them at all. The first night was the most difficult. As I lay in my bare room with another stranger across from me, I thought, this is it, I made it, I made it! I didn’t go to a fall preview or schedule a visit; I just applied because I knew some cool people that went there. Because of those connections, I easily merged into the social settings and felt that I belonged again. My first semester was beautiful; I made friends, joined groups and found a job. I applied to be a Resident Assistant for the next year because I wanted to be like my brother.
Once I found out I got the job I couldn’t wait to come back and start this new adventure. The only obstacle in my way was a summer camp in Michigan. I applied there so I could challenge myself to something new. That was my ‘honeymoon’ summer with God. I forced myself into an unknown area, with strangers and was 6 hours from home. Although I cried the whole way there and even wet my pants out of nerves; that summer is one of my fondest experiences!
As I cried my way home at the end of that summer, I was already planning out the fall semester. I took on garbage duty, became an AmeriCorps volunteer and a resident assistant. While I struggled to find a balance between being a student, paying bills and all the previously mentioned roles; I promised myself no matter how difficult things get I must push through this. So I did. I begin scheduling my days so that every minute was accounted for, even taking a shower. I didn’t stop, I couldn’t stop, I had to keep to all together and prove I was capable of doing it all with a smile on my face. By April of that year I was ready for a break but I had already begun having meetings for summer camp; there would be NO break.
Pine Springs Camp wasn’t a summer time job to me; it was my home. This is where I’d run to when I needed to be close to God, this is where I felt safe. I was so honored to be the waterfront coordinator for that summer. I had looked up to the previous leaders and now I had taken on that role, what a task. To say that summer was horrible is far from the truth, to say it was a good experience would also be a lie. That summer had many issues before any summer staff arrived and because I still love that place I will skip the details of that. I can say that I was overworked, manipulated and hurt by knowing things I shouldn’t have known. Looking back I feel horrible for not being there for the lifeguards; I had allowed the horrible way I was treated to affect them. Just so that I’m being clear, my griefs of that summer are no longer ‘in charge’ of camp. That being said, I can admit I didn’t always handle things in the correct way, I made mistakes but I never meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I often wish I could return to that summer and re-due so many things, but life is a journey we must learn and move on.
After a brutal summer and still no break, I returned to Waynesburg exhausted. I added to my list, dishwashing duty and youth group. The new job gave me more hours so I could pay for a trip I wanted to take in December. My planner was packed more than the previous year; I had more meetings, events, papers to write and bills to pay. By the time Thanksgiving break came, I was thankful to have a change in pace from my crazy schedule; a laid back mission trip to Jamaica was greatly needed. After Jamaica, I was thankful that I only had a few weeks of that semester to go and only a month before I would take the trip that changed my life.
Kazakhstan was my friend’s idea; I just tagged along so I could get started my ‘see the whole world’ dream. As mysterious as God works, that trip and my friend were used to begin a process that has taken the last 3 years to complete. With no meetings to run to, deadlines to meet or family to hang with, I faced my worst fear; hurt and brokenness. The endless time of just ‘being still’ was eating me alive; all of my past pains came rushing up. I spent the better part of 3 +years staying busy so I didn’t have to think about how hurt I really was. Now I came to a place where my only option was free time; with a friend that asked simple questions with no simple answers. I was beginning to lose control of life as I knew it because these hurtful memories weren’t part of my plan. Coming back to Waynesburg was bittersweet. I was able to start up my ridiculous routine yet now I had some extra things to juggle; and I knew that it might break me. Every day that semester I lost more control and I had more memories return. I was unraveling and it was a mess. As it would be, I choose to stay in Waynesburg that summer so I could simply ‘take a break’ and get refocused. God had other plans.
*deep breath*
I don’t talk about this summer a lot; I’m scared to share it but I know that the truth will set me free. I cannot hide God’s purpose of this summer; it is the most critical part of my healing.
It started sometime in March of 2007; little things like not wanting to eat, not being able to sleep and if I did sleep I’d have nightmares or odd visions. Each day something new would happen or not happen. By the end of the semester I was emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically dead; I had nothing left to give, I didn’t care about anyone and I hated my life. I slowly had become someone I didn’t recognize, someone who was angry all the time, some who resorted to cutting their arms to relinquish the emotional pain. I had no desire to waste my summer with a bunch of ‘free time’ that I didn’t want. I knew that something was stirring inside me and if I gave it the time it would come out; which meant losing control. As God would have it, I lost control that summer. All of the pain and hurt I held so deep within me had come to the surface, with a loud scream. I can’t begin to explain all details of that summer and honestly that is not the part that matters. What matters is He broke me and He needed to do that by any means possible. I couldn’t help but feel so ashamed of myself, I had falling apart right in front of people that I always pretended to be so strong around. I was angry that God allowed my feelings to come up and angrier that I had those memories to deal with. So while the entire summer was spent bring up all this garbage, I never really got a chance to work on getting rid of it. Before I knew it, fall classes were about to start; I was more exhausted, scared, angry and hurt then I have ever been.
Once again, I attempted to pull myself together by creating an insanely busy schedule. Only this time it back fired. I had no desire to write papers, sit in stupid meetings or toss another damn pizza. I was broken and God wasn’t about to allow the whole summer to be in vane by letting me stay busy again. So my heart turned cold, I was majorly depressed. By my birthday, I was a heartless, cold and angry person. Add to the situation, the feeling of worthlessness cause my family was dealing with other issues and didn’t celebrate my birthday. I was at the end of my robe, I hated my life, I hate God for allowing those things to happen and for allowing the pain to resurface. I felt alone is the world; I was broken, hurt individual that no one really cared about. So I had enough, I spent my life doing for everyone else, never really enjoying life. I needed to relax so I bought a bottle of rum, walked to the cemetery that was right next to the school, with the intentions of having 2 shots then going out with a friend. Well the 2 shots ended up being the whole bottle in 2 hours. Needless today I was trashed and venting to a tombstone about my life. At some point I called my biological mother to tell her off, which she called the police saying I was going to kill myself. So the police came and arrested me. I spent a night in jail (which isn’t on record cause they ‘accidently’ lost my paper work) followed by a psychological exam at the hospital and a forced 302 on myself cause of lynn’s false claims.
After returning from my 48 hour visit of the nut ward, I came back to Waynesburg to find out I lost my RA job and respect of the college. I was so hurt by that I became even more bitter and cold. ‘I had giving them so much and in one mistake, they turned on me’. I dropped out of school, returned to an unwelcoming home. I wanted to die and I hated God more than ever. I worked a horrible job for 3 months, when I was approached to be a manager for Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe things were starting to look up, after all I managed to bury my feelings again. Spring of 2008 I managed at CEC, took classes at community college and got my own place. I wasn’t as bitter nor was I anywhere near wanting to deal with God, lukewarm is the word to use here I believe.
I figured I should mend my mistakes at Waynesburg and finish out my last year there. Up to this point I still didn’t make time for me, I continued to keep busy no matter what. I had gone to counseling in spring but as quickly as it started to heal me, I quickly pushed it all down again. So in comes the booked schedule; drive over an hour to Waynesburg, sit thru classes, rush back to Greensburg so I could work my closing shift. I quit my job because I had enough money to support myself until I finished school. Life was just too crazy otherwise. While I was completely committed in finishing school, I was not the ‘strong’ person I use to be. I no longer would put up with people’s rude attitudes or push through difficult times; rather I quit when it got hard and walked away when they were mean. I didn’t care who I hurt or what people thought. I was hurt and no one seemed to care, in fact they ‘punished me for straying’. So I gave up on wasting my time driving to a school that ‘hurt me when I was already hurting’.
I decided to travel across the US and take some me time. I was lifeless: I had no passions, no more dreams, just anger and hate. Each month went by without purpose or a job till I ran out of money. So I packed all my necessary belongs in a storage unit and left my apartment. I stayed here and there for the summer until some more money came through, then I thought of moving to Arizona. I wanted to be as far away from anyone I knew. I felt they didn’t care about me or support me so why should I stay. But as I drove to Arizona my heart started to melt, I cried real tears for the first time in a long time. I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want to end up like Lynn, I wanted to change everything that had happen and I wanted to start fresh. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that I shouldn’t move there. So I headed for home, stopping to see the Grand Canyon and drive through the Rocky Mountains to waste some time. I realized that I needed to be close to my family but I also need some space to really recover. For some reason I really like the Dayton/ Cincinnati area so I looked for apartments that would allow big dogs, found one and moved there.
I was super excited to get my fresh start a little closer to home but still far enough away to have space. I got Annie a few weeks after moving in and a job around the same time. I really enjoyed being a caretaker but I was back to long busy days due to the work schedule. I didn’t want that again; I wanted to work one straight shift, come home and be done with it. The truth is I was still wounded and ignoring my feelings. I quit that job in February, right when my stuffed feelings were beginning to surface again.
The reality was right in front of me; I could run from it again, stuff it in again or let it out. I let it out and I cried for days. I cannot change the last 5 years let alone the 20 before that. I cannot run from my pain, I must face it, all of it. I cannot allow the people that hurt me before to continue to hurt me, regardless if they are family. I cannot beat myself up for events that happened outside of my control OR for choices I made. I cannot hide from the truth that is my life or feel ashamed by it. But I can share my mistakes, my pains and my joys. I must share them because if I don’t the devil wins and they cycle continues. So I will shout, I will scream and I will cry out my story for all to hear, the story of God. A story of suffering, abuse, neglect, sacrifice, depression and sin. A story of love, forgiveness, kindness, mercy, grace and truth. This is my attempt to be free of the chains that have bonded me for years. This is my apology to all the people I have hurt. This is my attempt to rebuild some of the relationships that got burned in all this. I will not cave, I will not back down but I need help. And that help can only begin by me being open and honest.

Revelation

2010-04-06T00:53:00.002-04:00

It’s been some time since I last wrote, mostly because I had nothing to really say. I could have mentioned the little details of life but I knew my heart ached to share more. That time has come. I assume most people use blogs to keep updated with others that are far away or to express their opinions on life issues. I using this wonderful piece of technology to heal some deep wounds, to share my story so that others can benefit and for the truth to finally set me free. I have no ill intentions, what I write is my honest feelings, my perspective and my believes. I don’t ask for you to like them, believe them or feel bad for me. I ask you to open you mind and listen. I have spent too long of a time keeping my background secret for fear of what others would think and partly because I’ve been in denial of it.

The only way any of us can truly live life is to share in it with others. We must be open about our pains and struggles; we need to be there for the suffering. This is my story. I share it for those who need to know they are not alone. I share it to heal my heart. I share it so you can understand why I may have pushed you away or hurt you. Parts of this may be boring but remember this is my therapy too, so deal with it or scroll past it; either way enjoy!

Grand Cayon, Utah and Rocky Mountains

2009-09-25T21:50:00.003-04:00

life as i know it

2009-09-22T17:57:00.024-04:00

As a kid I remember wanting this 'life like' toy dog for one of my birthdays. I ended up getting two of them. I was so excited cause all the commercials made them seem so real and since we couldn't have a real dog this toy seemed to be the next best thing. I probably played with each of them for about an hour then i realised how fake and dumb them were. I went up and down my street one afternoon trying to sale them so i could buy the newest Nerf soaker to get my brothers back, after all it look so amazing on TV. As an adult I watch all those toy commercials with my nieces and nephews, they can't help but get excited and I want to laugh at how foolish those products are to buy.
Yet when it comes looking at where to live, what car to buy and which college to attend we are like little children. We fantasize over how great this new place will be but we never take into account that the wiring is all bad. We love our new vehicles cause they are fast or big but we usually overlook how much its going to cost to fill up a tank. I could go on with many other examples but I'm sure you get the point.

The idea of moving to AZ came to me one evening many months ago. I thought it would be great to move closer to the school that i was taking on-line classes with, so that i could build relationships with my professors and use them as references once i graduate. That small thought blossomed into this wonderful idea that I could move out there, find an apartment, a part-time job, get involved with my school and a church. I would only be gone a year and i like to change things up when i get too comfortable, it seemed so perfect.
The week before I drove out here, I searched endlessly for apartments all around the Phoenix area that are close to my school. I made a list of different ones that were potential 'new homes'. So i felt at easy about finding a place to live. I briefly looked at jobs in the area and quickly realized that there are endless job openings in the city area. So i felt good about that. The only issues pressing on me was how i was getting out there and how i would get all my stuff that is in storage out there. I had planned on trading in my little Civic for something bigger or with more power to help me get thru the mountain areas. On my way to look at the vehicle i wanted, I got a flat tire on the turnpike. No big deal, I've had to change so many flats before i knew what to do but i was annoyed with the situation. By the time i put my small spare tire on and got to a shop to fix my flat it was too late to car shop. So I had to drive all the way back to Pittsburgh the next day for the dealer to tell me my car wasn't worth anything cause it has a Reconstructed title. By this point, I was extremely upset about the moving thing. Part of me felt like this whole thing was a dumb idea; I'm gonna miss my family, I don't like being in the City, I don't know if i can get a job or apartment and I don't have a lot of money to be moving like this right now. My heart was saying; this is just a speed bump, this is going to be hard but nothing good has come without a challenge or facing some pain.
So I listened to my heart, i took a chance cause that's what life is about.

The afternoon before i left i went to say my goodbyes to my one 'sisters' and her kids at my aunts house. I knew this would be the difficult part. I pulled the two older kids aside and explained to them that i was moving away for awhile but that i would be back for holidays. My youngest nephew, Dom, wanted to make me a potion before i left that would make any mean or bad people nice to me. So we walked around the yard looking for things to put in it. At one point Dom stopped looking and said, "Aunt Ashley, why are you leaving me? Cause you said you needed to finish school but there is a school right there you can finish at'(pointing to st. Vincent college). I couldn't answer him. Maybe because he was right.

Now that I'm here, I'm facing difficulties in getting an apartment for many reasons. Since i haven't been working in a year, i have no proof of income which is more money up front cause they think you can't afford it. i don't have my bank account anymore and that looks 'bad' to apartment ppl. Finally, my last apartment manager is saying i was a bad tenant that always paid my rent late, which i don't understand why she said that. Regardless, all those things make it impossible or much much more expensive to get an apartment. Everything I thought would be so great has popped like a bubble. I haven't seen one hiring sign, I'm having a hard time with apartments and mostly i cant stand how hot it is out here. I think i imagined something much greater then what it really is, kinda like when i was a kid. I had all these expectations but reality is reality.

Maybe AZ isn't for me right now but I might not have learned that had i not come out here. Maybe i was so worried about changing things up because i didn't end up like my mother. Maybe the change that needed to happen in my life wasn't about moving somewhere else, maybe it was about ME changing. Maybe i finally found a place i call home with a family that loves me. Maybe what I needed to learn in AZ didn't come from being here a year or at my college, perhaps i just needed to see what i have and how good it is.
I don't know what my next step is, other than I want to finish school and i need to finish! I can keep taking classes on-line till i finish, i can move back to PA to find a job or home. Yet i know my heart will get restless again so the question is how do i cure a restless heart? Should i stay in AZ and make it work even if i hate it right now? I think part of my array of emotions is from being stressed, then driving for 3 days and not sleeping or eating much. So my plan is to treat myself to a good bday dinner, then come back to my hotel room to get another good night of sleep and maybe watch something mindless on TV. I'm praying that I'll wake up with a clear sign as to what/where i need to do/be next.

no turning back

2009-09-13T05:50:00.008-04:00

Last week my nephew had his tonsils taken out, needless to say he wasn't his normal hyper self for a few days. Once he started feeling better I asked him how he felt about having surgery and how he was dealing with the pain he was feeling. He quietly replied, "I want my tonsils back. I don't know why having all this hurt now will make me better later." I can't tell you how many times my nieces and nephew have been used to teach me a lesson. His soft words hit hard in my heart. In his world, the suffering he faced didn't seem worth how much better he would feel all together in the near future. All he knew at that point in time was pain, he didn't care if would help in the long run.
This whole moving process has been draining on me. I keep making pros and cons lists, stressing out about finding an apt, a job and how am I gonna get all my stuff to Arizona. These past few months I have driven myself crazy; nothing was working out in the time I planned and I was annoyed that one 'bad' thing after another was happening. The problem with all that was simply me, I'm a control freak. I like to know how, when, where and mostly why things happen. The second things seem to go astray, I get cranky and yell at God. The good thing is that He is big enough to handle me and all my moods.
As the days get closer for me to finally move west; now I can see that all the waiting and pain I faced these last few months was needed. I honestly think if I moved to Arizona in May, I might have moved back home already. However, it has been in this waiting period that I have come to let go of control. Now I can move trusting that what ever happens, He is by my side. I still don't know where I'm gonna live, if I'll find a job or even if I'll like it out there, but those are small details now. I have peace about this I can't really explain. Since this is where He is leading me, I need to stop trying to figure out every detail and just trust.
My last few days here will be bitter sweet. It's going to be very difficult to move so far away from my family. Six years ago, I had to make a very difficult decision to move away from my mother. I cried everyday about it for two years but it turned out to be one of the best decisions in my life. Had I not taken the risk and left behind what matter to me the most, I wouldn't be anything close to who I am now. Life is about taking chances, seeing things through another point of view and showing love. I have one final task I need to complete, this Tuesday, before I set out. I can't get into much detail right now but I ask for thoughts and prayers to be with my mother, brothers and I for these next few days. I'll keep you all updated as things happen.
much love,
ash

unexpected

2009-08-27T13:15:00.005-04:00

Five months ago I imagined being in Arizona by now, getting settled in a new place , finding a part-time job and working on the last few classes I needed to graduate. Funny how things never work out as we plan. Never thought I’d be homeless, jobless, moneyless, phone-less and a list of car repairs that I can’t get fixed. Never thought I’d be babysitting and cutting grass just to pay for my storage unit, gas and cigs that I don’t need. I kick myself for not being more realistic about everything. I kick myself for being too nice and not saying NO when I needed to. But what is done is done, I can’t go back to March 26 . Somehow I must muster up the strength to push thru this unseen situation that I am in now.
Every day that passes I question my purpose in this life more. I wonder why I am in the situation I am now and why Arizona did not work out right now. I wonder why I question things like purpose, passion, goals, dreams, love, family and faith. Why can’t I just accept things as they are? Why do I always need to see or try to understand the bigger picture? Why can’t I just be content with people as they are and me how I am? I think about people I know and even strangers on the street; wondering what their story is, could they be happier, could they care more or do they just need love? I wonder if one family member will ever forgive the other for something that happened 17 years ago and how I could bring them back together. I dream of a world were everyone gets along; they cry, laugh, sing, dance, learn and play together. I hope for a mother who could really be a mother to me and not another victim of this fallen world. I envision my dad, step mom, brothers, mother, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends all together playing baseball with no cares in the world. I wonder if one day the little girls on the red light streets of Calcutta can spend a night watching ‘the little mermaid’ while painting their toe nails instead of being forced to have sex so their family can eat. Then I realize this place on earth will never exist, that is what heaven is for.
Yet I wonder, maybe that’s why things are the way they are, maybe we are here to bring hope, show love and give mercy. Maybe Calcutta is too far for some, maybe Latrobe is closer, maybe my family are the little girls in Calcutta. Maybe someone needs to remind them of the simple basics of life and what really matters. Maybe that’s why I’m still here. Perhaps I am the one that will do something to get my mother the help she needs or I’ll be apart of the change that needs to happen to other family members. For so long I thought I that in order to ‘build the kingdom’ I had to go to some far off place, now I’m beginning to see that family comes first. I cant change anyone’s heart or thoughts but I can be used to help those things occur as God wills. Maybe instead of gripping about my situation and dreaming about how I wish things were different, I should open my eyes and see that the journey I so desperately wanted is right in front of me, here in Latrobe with my family. Instead of wallowing in my past and hoping for a better future, I should take the day and love on my hurting nephew, niece and sister. I need to appreciate making cool -aid and cleaning up pee by the toilet cause that’s my purpose right now. I might not be where I want to be, I might not be happy with all finical stresses I’m feeling but its not about me. Five months ago I prayed for change; I didn’t want to be caught in the mundane life of work, TV, ‘all about me‘, I wanted to be used for something different. This is my life, it is different, its up and down, its hard, its painful, its weary but it is also worth it. The new journey I craved has all ready begun; I have seen more now then I thought possible and I’m not even out of the state.

new beginnings

2009-08-02T21:38:00.002-04:00

I think this songs just about sums up this move and is a good fit for a first posting..

Rascal flatts-I'm movin on

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on